| ...I hate f**king surveys. |
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| 07:29pm 16/08/2004 |
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mood:  aggravated music: Linkin Park
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Especially ones that have more questions than I can count.
[Kokoro: >.> ...no, he didn't figure out the LJ codes himself. I did it for him. Don't give him too much credit. =P]
( Read the gawddamn survey ) |
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| .... |
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| 08:15am 14/04/2004 |
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mood:  drained
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I had a dream that everything was perfect - that nothing was wrong, and that Rinnah and I could hold and love each other forever, and everything terrible that's ever happened to either of us just faded away. I couldn't feel anything but how deeply I love him and how happy I was to just hold him close and tell him over and over again. But then I woke up and everything was shit again. I feel like my entire life is falling apart right in front of me, and I let all the chances to fix it pass me by. I don't want to lose what I have here...everything I have now, everything that I know and love. I don't think I could live without it. I don't think I could live without Rinnah....without him there's nothing left here for me. Without him I'll just fall back into that Hell that took me so long to escape.
I'm scared...I've never been so scared before. I don't know what's going to happen to us, and I'm so afraid to find out. This is killing me from the inside out...I'm being crushed from the inside out. I just want to leave all of these troubles and mistakes behind. I want to take Rinnah with me to that perfect place I saw in my dream. But I don't think he'll let me anymore.
There's blood in my tears....oh God, why is there blood in my tears? |
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| Valentine's Day~ |
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| 10:27am 14/02/2004 |
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mood:  loved music: Psycho le Cemu - Gekiai Merry-Go-Round
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I never liked Valentine's Day much before, but now I don't quite mind it anymore. Well...actually I think I pretty much like it. Gives me a good excuse to be with Rinnah and take him out to dinner and spoil him. Not like I wouldn't do that anyways, but you know what I mean. >>;;
I was kinda pissed off this year when Rinnah disappeared and Ashriel...kidnapped me and dragged me to the ampitheater place (he blew up a few cars on the way. --; lucky bastard, no one was there to yell at him) and left me there to sit through a bunch of opening acts I had already seen before. But then Rinnah showed up and pulled me on stage with him (which damn startled me, to be honest. o_o Not used to stuff like that happening) and we got to dance together. >3 A lot of the people in the crowd looked kinda shocked, but screw them. ^^ I got to be with my Rinnah and tell him how much I loved him, and he made sure everyone knew how much we love each other, too. Then after all that we got to spend the night together (I heard Liang lurking in the kitchen...kinda weird >>;).
Rinnah, I can't tell you enough how happy I am to have you. I wouldn't trade away the happiness I feel when I'm with you for anything else in the world. Thank-you for the best Valentine's Day ever, my love.
--; And Etu. You're staying away from all the knives, guns, rat poisons, sleeping pills, alcohol, ropes/cords, electrical appliances, bath tubs, or anything else that you could use to kill yourself, or else. |
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| ...uhm... |
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| 09:08pm 03/02/2004 |
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Edited, because I don't think Rinnah would be happy to find out about the guy in the trunk of my car. |
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| Quiet? |
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| 08:49pm 21/01/2004 |
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mood:  calm music: Brise - Malice Mizer
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Things have been...not so bad around here lately. We don't need to do anything or rescue anyone. We're not cleaning up after some fight, or waiting for anything to happen...well, except for the adoption paperwork to get sent and stuff like that. Nothing out of the ordinary happens anymore, to tell the truth, (-- Though Rinnah took a picture of Runi hugging me...I hope he burns it) just everyday life with Rinnah. Damn am I thankful that he's still here with me. I hope you know that, Rinnah...I'll make sure I never do anything so stupid again. Or at least, I'll try not to, because if you were gone, I don't think I'd have anything left to live for. You're the reason I'm still alive today...and I love you so much. Just thought I'd say that in case either of us forgets one day. |
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| ... |
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| 05:01pm 15/01/2004 |
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Shit happens. Yep. Lots of shit. Gotta hate it. But it always gets better....and hopefully it gets better before you try to kill yourself in a public restroom. |
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| Thinking...I think. |
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| 04:35am 05/01/2004 |
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Kokoro managed to figure out that comment code...whatever, so I guess she isn't a little midget dumbsh!t like I thought she was. She's still annoying, though, she and Aly tied me to the ceiling fan and they had to cut m hair to get me down. I hate them. Yeah.
Sitting up late and thinking again. I think that's called insomnia...but I'm not quite sure.
Rinnah got really sick a little while ago. I took him to the hospital, but they didn't know how to fix it...so I had to watch him. It was gawd damn awful, I never want to see him like that ever again, it was like he was dying in front of me. He even went and had his brother take off that spell that's kept us bound for...forever, so if he died he wouldn't take me with him. Even though I'd rather die too than see him go where we can't be together. But luckily there was no dying, Brishen healed him at the last damn minute...wonderful timing. I was ready to kill the bastard, but he made up for it. --;
It feels kind of funny having that spell gone, even though I haven't bothered to f**king use it in a thousand years or so. It was how we met in the first place...and I think if I hadn't had it to make Rinnah stay all those times he tried to run away, I don't think we'd be together right now.
...damn, remind me to never write in this this late...early...late or early ever again. |
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| ...well... |
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| 09:06pm 01/01/2004 |
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mood:  content music: Some news report about burning omnibuses...
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The wedding didn't go quite as planned. Actually, the wedding didn't even happen at all. But no big deal. You don't need rings or a party or vows to let someone know you'll love them forever. |
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| ....even more stuff. >>; |
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| 07:27pm 15/12/2003 |
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--; Runi trashed our downstairs a few days ago, the ass. And he flushed all the toilets while Rinnah and I were in the shower. I don't gethim sometimes, he says he's got that short guy Raihan, but he still acts jealous whenever I'm with Rinnah. It's like he still doesn't get it. I LOVE RINNAH, AND RINNAH LOVES ME, YOU MORON, AND IT'S NOT FOR THE SEX, DAMMIT!
Erm, anyways, Liang came back a while ago, and he HAD been hanging around that Hava mage, even brought him back to the house. --; He said Hava was "nice" now and that he was his friend. o_o; And I guess he was sort of right, because after Brishen came back Hava ended up...killing himself because of how much he loved Liang. And Liang insisted on running back down to hell again and dragging the bastard back to life. I swear, he and Rinnah are the reason no one stays dead around here.
This place is beginning to soundlike daytime television. |
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| ...yeah...stuff. |
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| 06:45pm 11/12/2003 |
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So I'm always the last to know. Or something like that.
I'm typing this from Tadre and Solla's house, because Rinnah thought it would be best for everyone to stay together. Because Ashriel and Runi got kidnapped and taken to Hell my Rinnah's evil older brother. The guy must be a bastard. Or a nympho. Or both. Yeah. And Rinnah's cousin...I think, pushed me down the stairs (f**king b!tch!) and I hit my knee. And it hurts. Still. And Liang's run off again, and I have no idea where he's gone off to. And as long as he's not hanging around any stupid mages I could care less. |
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| Getting Married Should Be F**king Happy! |
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| 08:37pm 30/11/2003 |
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mood:  angry music: Ain't Afraid to Die - Dir en Grey
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><; I don't get how people can put up with Runi sometimes. I can't count how many times he went and pissed me off (HE BIT ME DAMMIT! HE TOOK A F**KING CHUNK OUT OF MY LEG!) for insulting me or calling me stupid or trying to EAT ME. And it's okay if he's not gawd damn pleasant to me ever, but it isn't fair that he goes and makes Rinnah upset because he doesn't like me. Especially since Rinnah calls him his friend.
I guess Rinnah called Runi to ask him to be in our wedding or something...and Runi said no because I was there. Guess Sterlyn didn't help much either. (I'm not going to even start about why I hate elves...)
I've never been to a wedding before or anything close to it, but you're supposed to be happy when you get married with your friends and family there with you, right? I never really been...close with any of these people, but they're both Rinnah's friends and family, and they shouldn't leave him now just because of me. GAWD DAMMIT, RUNI, YOU ASSHOLE! IF YOU DON'T SHOW UP AT THAT F**KING WEDDING I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I'M GOING TO DO TO YOU, BUT IT'S GOING TO BE SOMETHING GAWD DAMN AWFUL! |
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| >P |
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| 10:07pm 27/11/2003 |
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There, I wrote something. |
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| fjropdsagjk.... |
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| 07:56pm 15/11/2003 |
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mood:  drunk
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i got drunl wit tis othr guy thebartendr dood got mad and thrw us into amudd pudle i onlee had ate drnks reelly i woke up nd itt wuz wetand coldl ajnd rinnah fond me i wntead togo keil cows wit the othr guy but rinnah sed not to killth e nise cows i dount liek cows thy smeell bad i feel sik i thinkkim gonna go throwup noww byebye |
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| DAMN~ |
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| 05:30pm 10/11/2003 |
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mood:  frustrated music: Audrey - Dir en Grey
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...well...lots of stuff has happened. Another crazy bastard mage named Hava showed up. Runi sealed Sithrodiel away in this gem thing...and I blew up his tower (>D TAKE THAT!!!!), but Runi's going to be sleeping for a while now. I wish Rinnah wasn't so depressed about it. I wish I could make people feel better when they're down...because I'm not good at that shit.
And as for that other bastard mage....eh, he screwed something or another up. I don't know a damn thing about magic, but I do know that now instead of being an old rotting pile of fly food, he's five years old. And bratty. --; And he cut my hair short. I'm going to have to put him on my kill list now. |
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| 04:11pm 06/11/2003 |
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mood: drained music: Say It If You Mean It - Tsunami Bomb
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Today was...better. I still can't understand why Rinnah still loves me, even after everything I've done to him, but if it makes him happy, well...
I haven't seen Crescent lately. Not like I care at all, it's just odd to not hear him screaming "IIIICE CREEEAAAAMM" when you open the icebox. Wonder where he's gotten off to. Knowing that damn cat, he probably got himself hung or something like that. |
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| ... |
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| 08:58pm 04/11/2003 |
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mood:  crushed music: My Immortal - Evanescence
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I've given up pretending I can make Rinnah happy, because I know I can never do that. All I ever care about is me, even though I hide it. All I tell him about is what he's done for me. But have I done anything for him? No. I've done jack shit. All I've ever done, all I'll ever do is hurt him and make him cry, and I can't f**king stand it anymore.
I've tried to fix it before, but it's hard when so many years of hate and shit like that have been pumped into you. I can't get back what I lost now. I can't ever love him like I should, and I can't even cry when I realize how much knowing that hurts. Dammit, it isn't fair to weigh someone down and pretend you love them when you're just an empty shell full of nothing but hate.
So I'm leaving him be now. He'd be better off with someone like Runi. He's a bastard and I f**king hate him, but at least he can make Rinnah happy. He isn't a selfish asshole like I am. He learns from his mistakes. He won't hurt Rinnah over and over again like I do. He won't make him cry. I don't want to say it, but Runi would make him happy. All I want is for him to be happy. Even if it hurts this much. As long as he's happy, I think I'll be okay.
I'm not going to try and leave. I want to see him smile again, even if it isn't for me. I can watch from far away. It can't hurt this much all the time. |
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| uhm... |
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| 03:42am 03/11/2003 |
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mood:  indifferent
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The fact that I'm writing in this at 3:42 in the morning and am not pissed about it is almost scary. Really, who the hell writes in a journal at 3:00 in the morning (besides Crescent's strange author-ish brother)? Oh wait. I do.
I had a weird dream about....before, and now I can't stop thinking about it. Before I had Rinnah, that is. It's almost enough to make me depressed. My life was shit before I met him. Damn shit. It was even shit a little while after I met him. I still can't believe I treated him like that...but I guess it's okay now. Just reminds me how happy I am now and how f**king much I love him. (and don't you dare forget that, Rinnah!)
....it's too early in the morning. I'm getting weird. --; |
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| ...make the happy music stop! |
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| 01:28pm 02/11/2003 |
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mood:  blah music: Kokoro's squeaky and annoying Zelda music
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><; Remind me to kill Kokoro next time she turns on this stupid music.
Everyone has candy. EVERYONE. For some reason that bothers me. All the bouncing is beginning to give me a headache. Too much up and down.
...yeah. And next time I try to do something stupid, stop me. |
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| Yay? |
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| 06:45pm 28/10/2003 |
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Kokoro finally remembered to make me write in this stupid thing again. I hate her.
At least I got rid of every trace of Sithrodiel that ever was in this thing. He needs to die a slow painful death. While watching me and Sterlyn and Solla screw his "harem" stupid. That would be satisfying in more ways than one.
....oh yeah. --; I wish Rinnah would stop leaving the house without telling me. He always ends up getting hurt, and it pisses me off. Especially since I have to find those people who mess with him and hack them into little pieces (don't tell Rinnah I do that. o_o;). |
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